


The Three Wingmen

by XtaticPearl



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Awesome Natasha Romanov, Awkward Flirting, BAMF Pepper Potts, BAMF Rhodey, Bad Jokes, Bad Poetry, Bruce Banner Is a Good Bro, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Clint Barton Is An Adorable Dick, Communication Failure, Confusion, Cooking Lessons, Double Dating, F/M, Fashion Disasters, First Dates, First Kiss, Humor, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings, Oblivious Rhodey, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Pining, Sam Wilson is a Gift, Snarky Jarvis, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-25 16:44:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6203002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XtaticPearl/pseuds/XtaticPearl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Tony, Sam and Bucky decide to become each other's wingmen, the Avengers Tower drowns in utter chaos and confusion. Jarvis is just tired of the little shits living under his protection.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Three Wingmen

**Author's Note:**

> This is crazy. I blame it on boredom.

Bucky looked at the phone on the coffee table and tried to set it on fire through his burning glare of hatred. He hated that phone. That phone was the miniaturized version of all the evil things in the 21st century. It was Satan in a metal box. 

He hated it. He was  _not_ jealous of it.

Okay, maybe he was a little bit jealous of it. But only when it was touching the -

"Hey assbutt"

Right. That. He did mean that organ but right now he blinked up to see Clint smirking down at him, his eyes dancing between Bucky's clenched metal fist and the deeply etched scowl that was gracing Bucky's face.

"Hey Merida" Bucky grunted and Clint scrunched his face in disgust.

"Eww man, even your insults are becoming lame. You know, like Merida's dad?" Clint snickered at his own ridiculously ableist joke and Bucky wondered how it was okay when Clint could say such things and get away but none of the others could.

"Why doesn't Steve kick your ass when you say such shit?" Bucky groused, remembering the last time he joked about his own arm and it fell flat. Steve had the worst Disappointed Stare in the world.

"Because my ass is too beautiful to be kicked and I'm funnier than you" Clint preened and did a peacock head shake that made him look like a duck instead.

"You don't have the most beautiful butt here though" Bucky muttered under his breath and let his eyes fall back to the offending phone on the table. It would die. It would be shattered into a million pieces. Just like his heart.

And now he was being poetic. Damned piece of StarkTrash.

"Why're you staring at Rhodey's phone like that?" Clint asked, frowning at the silver phone before turning his attention back to Bucky, "Wait, did Rhodes change his ringtone to 'Winter Is Coming' again?"

Before Bucky could slowly strangle Clint and save the world from his voice, the owner of the offending phone jumped in.

"Well, I would if I knew when Winter would come, Barton," an amused voice came from above and Bucky's eyes met grey pantsuit-ed knee-caps. Hey, kneecaps, you look fine, he wanted to say because if he went any further up he would be showing his horrified face. But his eyes were treacherous and never obeyed him anyway. So there come the thighs, there the...skipping that, the belt, the t-shirt's torso, hello there biceps, nice to see you shoulders and finally, aren't you a sight for sore eyes, James' face. Bucky wanted to hit his head on the coffee table slowly when he saw the man grin at him, all amused and twinkling eyes. Eyes should  _not_ be twinkling like that, Bucky swore viciously, especially eyes of people Bucky was in love with. 

"I can come whenever you want me to," Bucky blurted and immediately felt the need for a stapler to sew his mouth shut. Rhodey though skip a beat and only winked lightly, pocketing the phone in his back pocket,  _sweet Jesus_ right above his left buttock, and nodded to Barton before walking away. 

"I can come whenever you want me to?" Clint repeated with barely suppressed amusement and Bucky glared at him, letting a small growl escape his throat. Clint simply rolled his eyes and snorted loudly before escaping from the scene himself, humming Bootylicious under his breath. Bucky hated Clint. Clint deserved to be added to the list of things that must die. Right below the StarkPhone that was currently nestled over Rhodey's ass.

Groaning to himself, Bucky ran his metal hand over his face. This whole pining thing was ruining his life and he was ready to snap anytime soon. If it had been anybody other than James Rhodes, Bucky would have been flirting and charming their hearts and pants off a long time back. But it wasn't anybody else, it was the badass, effortlessly attractive, loyal, honest and unbelievably amazing Colonel James Rupert Rhodes. Bucky had been rendered speechless the first time he had gotten into a banter with Rhodes, when the Air Force guy had shut him down with class and had proceeded to impress him by treating him without the usual glove hands he got from others. Bucky didn't know when he had transcended from Rhodes to Colonel Rhodes to Rhodey and now bordering on James. 

He ran his hand through his hair and scowled at it before looking up and spotting Tony across the room. Staring at him with a frown and a calculative gaze. For a minute, Bucky froze, schooling his features back to indifference but by then Tony's face had become impassive too. Before Bucky could understand what was happening, the billionaire was nodding at him in acknowledgement before leaving the room with a small smirk on his face.

Bucky simply blinked at the spot Tony had stood before scowling again. This whole 'love' phenomena was screwing with his brain. It sucked. 

But he still hated that phone and Barton.

Not Rhodey though. He loved Rhodey.

"Fuck" Bucky moaned and dropped his face into his hands. 

\---------------------------

Sam looked up from his wings again and caught the Frown beginning to deepen. He could see the pale blue eyes begin to darken and the painted lips begin to purse. It was clear that she was getting into her annoyed mode. Which would only lead to a pointless stressful day and a bad mood through all the other meetings she was bound to have. He knew how much she hated going into a meeting with a sour mood.

"I could help with that," he says without looking up, calmly cleaning out the crooks of his wings, "The demo, I mean. It's just flying right? I do that all the time anyway, and I'm almost the same size as Rhodes. So, you know..I could help with that. If you want."

There is absolute silence following his offer and Sam was tempted to simply make an excuse before skedaddling out of there. He wasn't offering to help for Tony or Rhodes. God knew that those two needed help, Tony the most and not just for his work. But Sam was currently offering help for the other person in the conversation. The one he had been quietly observing and admiring for the past three months. The one for whom he managed to sneak into the workshop and pretend to work on his own wings every time he knew a conversation was scheduled for Tony. The one for whom he was currently offering to wear a new fucking suit and parade like a damn showgirl A supercool, badass showgirl but a showgirl nonetheless.  

"Sam," he hears Pepper's voice sounding firm yet pleased and looks up at the holograph, "you are a god-send. Never let anybody tell you otherwise." Sam looked at her and felt his own lips begin to curve into a smile in response to the beatific grin on Pepper's face. She was wearing her hair in a messy vintage updo, strands falling onto her face, framing it like the paintings Sam had seen in Steve's favorite museum. The stress lines were fading away into smile lines and her eyes had softened just enough to look on the good side of happy. 

"Yeah, but Tony's the one who's gonna be doing the work, so..." Sam wanted to kick himself for diverting Pepper's attention away from his own but he was fast realizing that he was possibly encroaching on Stark's comfort zone here.

"Well, Tony is a genius," Pepper replied matter-of-factly, before shooting the said genius a quick look, "And he  _will_ take up your offer because we really don't have the option of cancelling this demo. Thank you so much, Sam. This will be a great help."

"Any time, Ms. Potts," Sam replied warmly, trying to infuse as much sincerity in his voice as possible. He really meant it but looking at the grin on Pepper's face, he knew that the lady wasn't getting his message.

"Sam, haven't we talked about this earlier?" Pepper asked in mock-chiding, with a raised eyebrow, "Or should I start calling you Mr.Wilson now?"

"If you did that then I'll have to go with Virginia," Sam countered teasingly and got a mock-narrowed glare before he raised his hands in surrender, "Okay, sorry, Pepper," he agreed with a smile and a shrug, getting a nod in response.

"Good. Ugh,  _Virginia_ ," Pepper made a face before scoffing, "My grandfather calls me that."

"Well, at least, he doesn't go with 'young lady'," Sam shrugged with a smirk, "Mine still calls me 'young man'. Maybe it's supposed to be a compliment about my aging. I'm not sure."

Pepper chuckled in sympathy and Sam grinned, tightly wrapping the rapid beating of his heart into silence. He heard an exasperated "Ugh" from Tony and shot him a look which the genius just dismissed with an eye-roll before taking over the conversation and diverting Pepper's attention back to himself. 

Sam had the extremely childish urge to either pout or scowl at Tony but sighed to himself and went back to his wings. Which were squeaky clean a long time ago. 

It wasn't that Sam was afraid of saying anything to Pepper. He just respected her too much to take the risk of destroying their friendship or make an assumption that she could take as an insult. Pepper Potts wasn't the kind of woman who needed a man's arm to hang on to. Sam knew that and admired her for proving her worth every day, relentless in her dedication and splendid in her work. She was a woman of strength, the kind his own mother had been. Pepper commanded respect and exuded dignity and compassion with every move of hers. Sam understood why Tony had once fallen head over heels for her. She was the woman you would only dream of standing next too.

But she was also human, Sam remembered. He remembered the times when he would find her binge-eating on licorice at odd times in the Tower, just because she had gone through a shit load of meetings with people who didn't value her brains as much as they seemed to value her looks. He remembered the constant struggle she battled with the idea of whipping out her prescription glasses in the public, always succumbing to contacts, out of insecurity over falling weak to peer pressure. He remembered her coming to him during the first month of their friendship and quietly asking him if he counselled for civilians too, haltingly mentioning her trauma with the nightmares after her stint with Extremis. Sam remembered the Pepper Potts who had quietly shredded a stack of  _Yello_ , a trash magazine that had called her a 'corporate climber with the right 'assets' to support her stint in the man's world of tech business'. She was human. He knew that. But the fact that she chose to be the better person, a driven mind, despite all the falls - that was what had caught Sam's mind and eyes. 

He suddenly snapped out of his reverie when Tony cleared his throat and was staring at him pointedly. Sam just blinked and stared back.

"What?" he asked in confusion and saw Tony frown while shaking his head and muttering under his breath before he seemed to delve back into his work.

Sam simply shrugged and bowed his head, pretending to go back to fiddling with his wing-pack. He really needed to find better ways to keep in touch with the woman he had a crush on, or possibly could be in love with.

And he really needed to stop cleaning his wings with the dirty rag Dum-E had deposited in his hands.

Sam sighed and began to swipe distractedly at his face.

\--------------------

Tony was trying to scourge for the leftover from the morning's gluten free pasta, when he felt the strong presence behind him.

"What are you doing?" he heard Steve ask, amusement clear in his voice.

"Food" Tony mumbled into the fridge, peering at a pack of cheese that seemed to give him the stink-eye. Or just the stink.

"Solid food?" Steve asked again, voice sounding closer this time.

Tony huffed and withdrew from inside the fridge, turning around to glare at a clearly amused Steve Rogers, who was leaning against the kitchen counter with a raised eyebrow at Tony.

"Where's the pasta?" Tony grunted, feeling his stomach growl for the fifth time in an hour.

"You mean, the one Clint devoured this morning?" Steve clarified and winced when Tony's stomach growled louder, "How long have you been hungry? And how do you know we made pasta for breakfast?"

"I have eyes everywhere," Tony waved his hand dismissively before stalking beyond Steve and opening cupboards to find any eatable sustenance, "And I had a sandwich."

Steve frowned at that and walked over to block Tony's path of kitchen destruction, "Had a sandwich  _when_?" he asked slowly, considering Tony like a confounded bird.

"When you left it in my workshop," Tony scowled before flailing his hands, "You know, sandwich time sandwich!"

Steve calculated the number of sandwiches he had made this week. He remembered leaving food at Tony's workshop everyday but the last time it had been a sandwich was... _three days ago_.

"That was 72 hours ago, Tony," Steve said in a low voice, stressing on the number with deadly force. Tony blinked and cocked his head before huffing out a simple "Huh" in realization. Steve, thankfully, had gotten used to Tony's seriously endangering self-regulation tendencies and sighed in reply before steering him to the stool next to the counter and seating him there. Tony was too tired to protest and simply stared at Steve.

"Food?" he asked again, this time with a sheepish look on his face and Steve's face did a pinched and pained expression before smiling at him with a nod.

Fifteen minutes later, Tony was digging into a hot plate of garlic & chilli prawn pasta and slurping on fresh mini strawberry smoothie. He could see Steve trying to get him to slow down and chew but his stomach was overriding his mouth and he was shoving forkful after forkful into his mouth, grinning up at Steve between bites. He knew that he would be looking like Dracula with his mouthful smile but Steve was grinning at him with a fond expression in return and Tony really didn't care much about a dead Count anymore.

He waited for Steve to reprimand him or saw something pointed about his lack of eating regulation but the Captain simply sat and watched him. When it got unnerving, Tony cleared his throat and was about to make excuses but Steve managed to pick up on his line of thought and began talking about the latest adventures of Thor and his new pet hamsters, Butter and Scotch. Tony had no clue why the thunder god needed hamsters or how he managed to take care of them with things other than poptarts, but it was a damn funny sight to see when the Norse prince cooed and sang to the twin pets. When Steve told him about the incident at the pet store when Thor had tried to find mini-Thor costumes for 'his children', Tony lost it and began snorting up the smoothie between guffaws.

Steve, the sly bastard, simply tossed him a napkin and continued imitating the confused store owner who had been transfixed by the sight of hamsters hanging off Thor's hair.

Tony loved such times with Steve. When the Captain would feel free enough to be his hidden troll self and Tony would feel for moments like he meant something special to Steve. He had seen the blond man's poker faced trolling for the first time, six months back, when Steve had politely refused to play Fury's cards because 'he was always standing on the deck'. Tony had totally lost it then too, more owing to the purple shade creeping in on Nick's face and Coulson's tired sigh. He knew that Steve got pissed with Fury more often than he let on but that was the first time he had showed it using a horrible pun rather than citing moral codes or issues. And the fact that Steve had made a pirate jock at Nick's expense had kicked off a rapidly snowballing attraction on Tony's part for the sly yet sweet kid from Brooklyn. 

He had stopped seeing him as Captain America and had begun understanding why people had been fans of Steve Rogers even before he donned the spandex. Steve was just another guy with his own faults but his sheer determination and belief in justice and freedom was enough to overshadow the faults. Tony knew that he still had qualms about many things, like talking freely with the press, getting a hang of teen fiction ( _"but why do people want to read about a sparkling vampire?!_ ), adapting to the pollution levels, learning to loosen up on grocery hoarding and such. It would take time, Tony knew that, and saw that Steve knew that too. But that was his favorite quality about Steve. He understood his own short-comings and learnt to work on them without moping or wallowing. He was a doer. He liked action more than speech. He was, in simpler terms, perfectly imperfect.

And Tony always had a problem keeping his heart closed to that kind. The innate Steve-ness only made it harder for Tony to resist him. 

That was how the genius had found himself falling madly and desperately in love with Steve Rogers. Of course, once he had accepted that, he had promptly began making elaborate and high-scale plans on wooing the man. The only problem was that he didn't like any of the plans he made. 

Even JARVIS was beginning to sound disappointed with his creativity.

As he finished his lunch and dropped off his plate in the sink, he felt the familiar stirrings of urging in his brain, to open his mouth and say something to Steve. But when Steve smiled at him and told him to join everyone for dinner, standing a little too close for Tony's comfortable breathing, nothing came out. He simply nodded and observed his heart rate spike when Steve's grin widened and the Captain slapped a hand on his shoulder before walking off.

Leaving Tony still standing in the kitchen, hands clenched at his sides, trying to calm his breathing.

He needed help. He desperately needed help.

And he knew just where it could come from.

\---------------------------------

"Why is there a board like holograph behind you?" Bucky asked as soon as he sat down on the stool beside Sam and stared at the clearly manic genius in front of them.

"Better yet, why did we just sneak into your workshop like criminals?" Sam countered with a cock of his head, "You know, seeing as you specifically asked us to come here without anybody's knowledge. And used the words 'stealth yourselves'. Is this some secret boy band?"

"That's what I said!" Tony exclaimed before clearing his throat at the blank stares he got as response, "To Nick. When he came knocking about the Avengers Initiative. Or rather broke into the Tower and sneaked up on me. I'm surprised he didn't just start off with 'Yarrr, motherfucker!"."

"I'm surprised you're making sense," Bucky quipped with a slightly horrified stare before blinking and adopting a calculative gaze, "Are you trying to kidnap us?"

"No" Tony frowned at Bucky with an annoyed look.

"Are you trying to tempt us to do something illegal for you?" Sam countered with a stern look that Tony thought he was picking from Pepper's book.

"I'm good at doing illegal things by myself, thank you very much," Tony shot back with a scowl.

"That's reassuring," Bucky muttered under his breath before speaking up, "What do you want then, Stark?"

"You two," Tony explained and barged on when Sam raised an eyebrow, "You two, are in love with my best friends."

Bucky froze and immediately went on the defensive, "What the hell! No, we're not! Where the fuck did you come up with -"

"Yes, we are," Sam cut in and answered calmly, staring back at Tony with no intention of defending himself. When Bucky shot him a look, Sam simply shrugged. 

"We are," he repeated, looking at the ex-assassin with knowing eyes, "No point denying it. Or feeling ashamed of it."

"I'm not ashamed!" Bucky retorted hotly, noting Tony's pointed smirk.

"But you're denying it?" the genius asked smugly, "Because I see everything Barnes. And JARVIS sees more than me. You're more transparent than you think you are. It's really painful sometimes."

Bucky was annoyed with the smug grin on Tony's face and scowled harder.

"Yeah? Well, it can't be anymore pathetic than watching you moon over Stevie's grin," he shot back and saw Tony's smile turn sharp.

"Is that a problem?" he asked with fake-cheer.

"Same question here, kid," Bucky retorted firmly, ready to get defensive if Tony went into attack mode.

Thankfully, Sam was wiser and smarter than both of them. He intervened smoothly, leveling a hard look at both of them before focusing on Tony.

"Did you call us here for a shovel talk?" he asked bluntly, crossing his arms.

"No," Tony corrected easily, "Though I should do that at some point, right? That's what best friends do? But anyway, no, not right now. I called you both here to make a proposal."

Tony took a deep breath and continued.

"I noticed that the two of you aren't exactly 'getting it on' with Rhodey or Pepper, and yes Barnes, I'm not getting it on with Steve as well," he snapped when he noticed Bucky look like he was going to intervene again, "While technically, I should probably be scaring you off or vetting you to be suitable for my friends, I'm not exactly in the position to be fair, seeing that I'm in the same position as you two. Clearly, you guys need help and I could use some tips too. So, I propose that we help each other."

"And how is that exactly?" Sam asked in trepidation.

"By being each other's wingmen," Tony answered simply before turning to the holograph and tapping it, "This is a graph of our current situations. The x-axis represents background knowledge about the person and y-axis represents relatability. Currently, all three of us score low on either one of these aspects. Which makes us unsuitable for our plan of reaching our destination, which is our respective crushes/interest. As wingman tradition goes, you'll be able to help in one or both of these aspects, leading to an optimal reading on the graph. Now, seeing as you both are interested in  _my_ best friends, I hold the highest authority on their background info. Barnes holds highest background about Steve and Sam, you have the easiest relatability with Cap. On the other hand, Sam has better communication, without stress, with Rhodey and manages to make a good impression on him every time they talk. It's clear that we know more about each other's interests than our own. Which is why, I propose Operation Wingmen. Each one of us helps the other in getting chances to get the guy/girl."

"And how will we do that exactly?" Bucky asked with growing interest, leaving his defensiveness behind, "We can't just feed each other info and stumble on to the perfect way."

"But we can guide each other through the entire thing with clear steps," Sam spoke up with a pensive look, "It sounds creepy and stalker-ish, but if we do it right, we'll be able to guide each other at every step, making sure that we don't make any big mistake or screw up one good chances."

"Exactly," Tony agreed with an excited grin, "With proper help and ideas, we'll have less chances of messing up. Seeing as we're all pursuing people who are going to be linked to the team for a long foreseeable future, a screw-up will only result in awkwardness and bitterness. Which will end up messing with the team dynamics. But this way, we'll have proper back-up and security measures in places. The danger zones, better comparisons, more ideas and all in all, a foolproof way to get to our goals."

Sam and Bucky stayed silent for a few minutes, Bucky staring at the graph on the holograph and Sam looking thoughtful. Tony was sure of his idea and restlessly waited for them to accept his genius.

"We can't let the others know," Bucky spoke up finally, looking at Tony, "If they find out, then we'll be laughing stocks forever."

Tony thought about Clint and shuddered, knowing that Bucky meant the same thing. He nodded firmly.

"And we'll need a clean getaway plan," Sam added, looking between Tony and Bucky, "If our plans backfire and we have to go back to being 'friends'."

Both Bucky and Tony looked at each other before nodding solemnly. 

"We'll need to do our planning in secret and anytime one of wants to back out, we have to make sure that we don't tattle on the other two," Tony chipped in and saw Sam and Bucky agree, clearly glad that they had a fail-safe.

There was a silence after that, each man looking at the other two with calculative glances.

"We're doing this?" Sam asked quietly, thinking about the positives of the idea.

"It can't be worse than doing nothing," Bucky shrugged and Tony nodded.

"So, everybody in?" Tony asked and saw both men nod, looking determined. Tony grinned at that before tapping the holograph behind him.

"Alright then, let Operation Wingmen begin."

"If you make wingman jokes later, I'll kill you," Sam commented casually as a list appeared on the holograph.

"Yeah, okay," Tony shrugged even as Bucky snorted disbelievingly before all of them focused on making a foolproof plan to get their loves.

JARVIS would have sighed if he wasn't an AI but settled for a wry voice as he replied to the endless questions he was bombarded with for the next two hours.

**Author's Note:**

> I crave reviews and cookies! Or just reviews will do too <3 :D


End file.
